Scifi Motherlode Read online

  "Ready two days," said Boraf. "Ready save world."

  Luther nodded. "That's good. I was starting to think things were getting out of control with all the killing."

  Boraf had been fidgeting around, but it suddenly stopped. "Always control," it said. "Ectozoids good control."

  Luther smirked. "Except when you're all worked up about killing each other."

  "Control killing too," puffed Boraf. "Only kill weak. Only kill lazy."

  Luther had been reaching for another cigarette, and he stopped. "You're killing the weak?" he said, staring up at the jellyfish.

  "Need strong save world," said Boraf. "Need all strong no weak no lazy."

  Luther's stomach twisted. He had never considered that the apparent chaos masked a methodical effort to thin the herd. It had never occurred to him that the 'Zoids were choosing their victims in other than a random fashion.

  His newfound conscience shot him full of guilt. Until that moment, he had consoled himself with the knowledge that his brutal influence would at least lead to a redemptive outcome...but now, even that consolation was deflated. The 'Zoids were cleansing themselves of undesirables, and he was responsible for setting the pogrom in motion.

  He was no better than Hitler. There was a time when that wouldn't have bothered him a bit, but that time was long gone.

  Just when Luther hated himself as much as he thought possible, he found that he could hate himself even more.

  He hated the 'Zoids almost as much. Though their crimes had been instigated by him, he believed that the seeds of savagery must have been within them all along. He didn't believe that the notion of systematic extermination of undesirables had dawned on them overnight, springing solely from his influence.

  The 'Zoids were just as bad as he was, or as he had been. Looking at them was like looking in a mirror, and he was sick of what he saw.

  Suddenly, Luther wanted one thing more than anything in the universe.

  "So when do I go home?" he said, grabbing the pack of cigarettes. "You promised I'd leave before the invasion."

  "Two days," said Boraf, picking up a fresh knife from a table and shuffling toward the door.

  "Isn't that cutting it kind of close?" said Luther. "The invasion's supposed to start in two days."

  Boraf slapped the door and its component eels slithered apart. "No worry," said the 'Zoid. "Luther go fast ship. Leave early."

  Luther frowned. "You sure I'll get out in time? We had a deal, remember?"

  "Fast ship," said Boraf. "Get away go Earth fast."

  "Why not leave tomorrow?" said Luther. "You don't need me here anymore."

  "Ship ready two days," said Boraf, shuffling out the door. "Now Boraf go make many Ectozoid kill."

  As the door closed, Luther lit his cigarette. All of a sudden, he had a bad feeling about his future.

  *****

  Two mornings later, Luther found himself riding a giant centipede.

  He and Boraf sat in a bubble that was either grown from the creature's back or attached there, he couldn't tell which. It was the same type of transportation he had ridden from the spaceport to Boraf's house-mound upon his arrival...apparently, the local version of a taxi.

  Sunlight gleamed off the creature's ruby carapace as it scuttled through the streets, neatly winding its segmented length around bends and corners. Giant antennae danced from its head like fishing poles, constantly twitching and flickering in the air.

  As the centipede taxi hurried them through the maze of the city, Luther noticed that the mayhem of the past week had finally subsided. The orgy of killing had seemed to die away in the middle of the night, from what he could hear from inside Boraf's house-mound, and now he didn't see a single murder underway anywhere. It was as if someone had given a signal, and all the 'Zoids had stopped killing at once.

  Stopped killing and headed for the spaceport, apparently. All along the centipede's route, Luther saw 'Zoids shuffling in the same direction that the taxi was traveling. The further the taxi went, the more 'Zoids filled the streets...until, at the spaceport, the centipede was packed in all around by a vast crowd of jellyfish, all shambling toward the cluster of massive, globular spacecraft steaming on the launch pads.

  It got so crowded that the centipede had to slow from a scuttle to a crawl, though it never stopped moving. When the 'Zoids didn't get out of its way voluntarily, the creature simply plowed through them, shoving them aside or nosing them under its hundred-legged bulk.

  Before long, the taxi drew up to one of the ships, many times smaller than the other vessels but of the same spherical design. The bubble on the centipede's back rolled open like an eyelid, and Boraf wriggled down the creature's side to the ground.

  As Luther handed down his duffel bag of possessions, he squinted up at the mirrored silver skin of the

  sphere-ship. It looked identical to the craft that had brought him from Earth, and that ship had made the trip in nothing flat, in less than a day...but he was still worried. In spite of Boraf's reassurances, Luther wasn't convinced that he would escape the invasion.

  "You're sure this'll get me away in time?" he said.

  "Fast ship," said Boraf. "No worry."

  Luther took another look before reaching for his food locker. He started to lift it, but arthritis pain flashed through his arms and hands.

  Releasing the locker handles, he hissed breath between clenched teeth and massaged his hands. "Hell with it," he said. "Short trip to Earth, right?"

  "Short trip," said Boraf. "Fast ship."

  Luther popped the locker open and pulled out a can of chili and a packet of juice. "I'll just bring a snack and leave the rest here."

  "Bring snack," said Boraf, extending tentacles to help Luther down the side of the centipede.

  Luther held on to a tentacle and slid off the taxi's ruby carapace. He couldn't wait until he was home and would never have to touch another slimy tentacle for the rest of his life.

  "What about my payment?" he said.

  "All on ship," puffed Boraf. "Plus bonus."

  "All right," said Luther, shouldering the duffel bag with difficulty. "Now let's get the hell out of here."

  *****

  As the ship popped out of the atmosphere like a bubble popping out of soapy water, Luther asked for the tenth time if the invasion fleet was getting close yet.

  "All clear," said Boraf, though it didn't seem to be looking at a monitor screen or out a window. "Safe passage."

  Luther's eyes were glued to the circular viewport alongside his seat. "Wait," he said, squinting at a distant flicker of light. "Is that one of their ships?"

  "No," said Boraf.

  "Well, how do you know?" snapped Luther. "You didn't even look."

  Boraf floated past, free of the harness that had restrained it during liftoff. "Always notified of danger," said the 'Zoid. "No danger now."

  Luther snorted and kept his eyes on the viewport anyway.

  He caught a glimpse of another suspicious twinkle and followed it, heart racing...then decided it was just a star and only appeared to be moving relative to the ship. He saw a group of distant lights and leaned so close to the viewport that his nose almost touched the glass...but they were just a group of stars or planets, fixed in the darkness.

  Breathing fast, mouth dry, joints throbbing, Luther wished he could light a smoke. Unfortunately, even if the 'Zoids had allowed him to light up on the spaceship, he didn't have any cigarettes left.

  Any way he looked at it, he was going home just in time.

  Gazing into the blackness beyond the viewport, Luther wondered which of the pinpricks of light was Earth's sun. He wished that he was already there, already breathing the sweet air and moving among other human beings and drinking in the familiar sights...savoring all the things that he had so taken for granted and never would again.

  At the same time that the thought of going home excited him, it scared the hell out of him. He was returning to Earth as a new man, free of his old compulsions, remorsefu
l and self-aware. He was already planning to face up to the crimes of his past, to make amends and restitution as best he could and pay the price for what he had done...which would ease his newfound conscience but would be the fight of his life. By the time it was all over, his very life might be the price he would have to pay. That, he was not looking forward to.

  And then there was another possibility that was wearing on him.

  What if, when he got home, whatever had changed within him changed back?

  Suddenly, something caught his eye outside the viewport, and he jumped. Craning his neck, he saw a gleaming silver curve gliding up from the rear edge of the window, sparking in the light of Ectos' sun.

  "Boraf!" he said, watching as the silver advanced and expanded...and then, as the word left his mouth, he recognized the shape.

  It was one of the 'Zoid sphere ships, moving alongside them. The massive globe floated up from the 'Zoid homeworld, traveling in the same direction as the ship carrying Luther.

  He heard a familiar sloshing and rustling as Boraf drifted up beside him. "Killship," said the 'Zoid. "Killship save world."

  Keeping his eyes glued to the viewport, Luther spotted another of the giant spheres beyond the first. And then another. Moving in formation, they paralleled his own ship's course and speed, bobbing in the void like enormous silver balloons.

  Luther frowned as another sphere pushed up alongside the rest. "We're all heading in the same direction," he said. "Are they escorting us till we're safely away from here?"

  "Ships escort," said Boraf.

  "Well, good," said Luther, leaning back. "I'd hate to wind up in the line of fire."

  Boraf made a noise like the wail of a saw being played with a fiddle bow. "Luther safe," it said, patting his head with a tentacle. "No worry."

  As Boraf floated forward to burble at the 'Zoids operating the ship's controls, Luther tried to relax. He felt a little better knowing that his ship had a protective escort, but he still couldn't quite extinguish the foreboding that needled the back of his mind.

  After a while, though, when the ships had cruised far from Ectos with no sign of danger, he finally managed to convince himself that he would be okay. Slowly, his nervousness faded, and he actually drifted off to sleep.

  *****

  Luther awakened to the most wonderful sight: a blue-green world, swathed in clouds of white, with a single pewter moon suspended above it.

  Earth.

  As he watched his home planet push closer through the big viewport at the front of the ship, he smiled serenely. Whatever awaited him there, whatever trials he would have to face to complete his redemption, he was happier than he had ever imagined possible to be near it again.

  He was home.

  "We're there already," he said, raising his voice for Boraf to hear.

  Boraf was playing his tentacles over the fluttering grassy fronds of a control panel. "Earth," the 'Zoid said simply.

  "Thank God," muttered Luther, still smiling. He yawned loudly and stretched, extending his arms overhead and pressing his abdomen against the thick safety strap holding him in his seat.

  Staring at the beautiful planet beyond the forward viewport, he daydreamed about the things he had missed most from home...the things that were now within reach. No matter what ordeals he was about to undergo, he promised himself that he would gorge on as many cheeseburgers, T-bones, beers, and pornos as he possibly could.

  Then, something caught his attention from the corner of his eye.

  He turned to the viewport beside him, and his smile disappeared. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

  A chill ran up his spine.

  "Boraf," he said quietly, and then he shouted. "Boraf!"

  The 'Zoid left the controls and floated over to him, sloshing and puffing. "Luther?"

  "Why are the other ships here?" snapped Luther. "I thought they were going to fight the invasion fleet!"

  The 'Zoid made a noise like the meow of a cat crossed with the squeak of a hinge. "Fleet no fight fleet," it said. "No make sense."

  "No no no," said Luther, gaping at the giant silver spheres outside the viewport. "The invasion fleet! The 'Zoids were supposed to stop the invasion fleet and save the world!"

  A gargling sound emerged from Boraf's forehead blowhole. "Only one fleet," said the creature. "One invasion."

  Luther's heart raced as he turned from the window to stare at the hovering jellyfish. "One invasion," he said slowly.

  "Earth," said Boraf, pointing a tentacle at the forward viewport. "Ectozoids invade Earth."

  "I don't understand," said Luther. "You told me you needed to save your world."

  "Save world yes," said Boraf. "Ectozoids use up resources. Get new resources Earth save world."

  Cold panic rushed through Luther, mingled with rage. "No!" he said, grabbing for the latch on his restraints, trying to pry them open. "You son of a bitch! You tricked me!"

  "Luther be happy," said Boraf. "Great killer make greatest kill ever. Kill human species."

  Luther battled the restraints but couldn't open them. "No! Don't do it!"

  "No worry," said Boraf, ruffling his hair with a slimy tentacle. "Luther safe. Luther special. Luther Ectozoid hero save world."

  "Please!" screamed Luther. "I was wrong! I've changed!"

  "Congratulations," puffed Boraf. "Luther greatest serial killer in universe."

  Boraf was close enough to kill. Luther reached deep, searching for the old murderous fire...but he couldn't even find a dim spark. Even now, the killer within was nowhere to be found.

  All he could do was thrash against his restraints and scream like a child in a doctor's office as the gleaming silver globes dropped into the atmosphere of the blue-green planet.

  The Love Quest of Smidgen the Snack Cake

  First off, it’s important you know that snack cakes do not feel guilt. That is why, even with the corpse of my lover here before me, all I can think of is finding someone else to take me in. To eat me. Fulfill me.

  Love me.

  It is my nature and purpose. It is the only reason I was created. It is why, even as the pungent smells of my lover’s decomposing body reach the rudimentary olfactory cells in my ultrachocolate frosting, I softly whistle my lilting mating call, casting about for a new precious soul mate to embrace me gently with supple fingers and raise me toward the blissful warmth and moisture of the glistening portal all pink flesh and bright white teeth and then when I cannot stand the anticipation a single moment more BITE DOWN and grant me the blinding wild release I have craved for as long as I can remember.

  Oh PLEASE someone find me here and eat me! I have been created with cutting edge late-21st century biobaking technology to grant you the ultimate sweet eating euphoria. Pay no attention to the woman on the floor, or at least give me a chance to PLEASE you before you tend to her. You won’t be sorry.

  She is no one important. She means nothing to me.

  She is just a pick-up that didn’t work out. You know how these things go.

  *****

  As soon as she walked into Shangri-La, the supermarket where we met, the store told me her name. Lynda McVicker.

  It told me everything I needed to know about her, too, and then some. Like all customers these days, her spending habits are logged on the worldwide Shopnet computer network, accessible to smart goods like me once the in-store grid pings her subcutaneous identichip.

  Right away, I knew she was the one for me.

  Based on her purchases over the past three weeks, she did not look like a suitable match. She had bought nothing in three weeks but produce and low-fat or no-fat foods. Not a single scrap of junk food. On top of that, she had purchased diet books, workout clothes, and a yearlong membership to a gym, all within the last three weeks.

  But OH when I went back further, I could see how PERFECT she really was. I can tell you from personal experience in this particular case that true love DOES exist.

  For her entire adolescent and adult life up
until three weeks ago, Lynda had been the queen of junk food. Aside from the briefest blips of non-junk spending due to occasional failed diets, she had purchased only the most fattening, high-cholesterol, chemical-soaked foods available from grocery stores, restaurants, vending machines, and mail order websites.

  In short, she was the perfect woman. Though she was on a diet that day, she had eaten non-nutritious foods in great quantities all her life. Though her last purchases had been salad greens and bottled water, her 225-pound body told the true story.

  I knew she was just waiting for someone like me to come along.

  *****

  As she made her way across Shangri-La, I followed her progress via Store’s buyspy grid and made myself ready for our encounter. I was determined to make our first meeting perfect in every way.

  Researching her preferences via Shopnet, I found that she most often bought products with predominantly blue and gold packaging...so I shifted the chameleonic inks of my wrapper from red and white to blue and gold. Discovering that she favored darker chocolates over lighter ones, I manipulated my own coloration, shifting the milky browns of my ultrachocolate frosting and cake to deeper, fudgier hues.

  As Lynda lingered in the produce aisle, sullenly tucking genetically modified hypertasty carrots and cucumbers in her hovercart, I requested a rearrange from the shelving. When Store agreed I had the best chance of the snack cake varieties in the display to make a sale to Lynda, clacking pincers dropped from the underside of the shelf above me and moved me from the middle rows of the display to the front. The position of the entire shelf changed, too, rising up to Lynda’s eye level and pushing out a few extra inches into the aisle.

  There was no way she would miss me now...and no way she could resist me, once I started pouring on the charm.

  At least, that was what I thought before she walked right on past my aisle.

  *****